*~*handing over control~*~

I went to the local munch last night, i was totally nervous of a guy who freaked me out last month, turns out he didnt come anywhere near me and all my stressing was not needed. I was invited to a play club on Dec 12th i was even offered assistance with finding something to wear as i had said earlier in the evening that i didnt have any of the required fetish attire. In an ideal world Mr Dom Man will be able to come as well and we can have a good evening of play and meeting people in a new and different environment. The advantage is that he lives closer to the club than i do, and as i have already a pre arranged lift we dont have to worry about the inevitable expense of hotels like we would probably usually have to do.

I am still adjusting to the new regime, its odd to be someones sub and i think we still have some changes to make in the whole comincating back and forth to make sue we are both happy. To be honest i feel i send my emails for nothing as he very rarly makes a comment. Then again, i have only been doing it for a week and a half so possibly there is no regular occurences that need a comment on yet. I dont know i guess i get easily dishartened when effort i made is overlooked even though it probably isnt.

I am used to a more strict protocol, when i was owned by my last Master, albeit, i was a slave then not a sub. i hope this weekend, or even today i guess when we hit our two week mark that a new rule, task, order, whatever it is deemed is added. That would be a nice way to take it slow and see what works and does not work for us. Fingers crossed hey!

A friend, a Dom, was saying today how he sees what i am doing as harder than having a bf/gf relationship with a D/s edge becuase subs need so much more attention than a new girlfriend. I am not sure about this at all. With a new girlfriend you are trying to impress but with a new sub you are laying the laws, maybe they are the same, i have not been in a new relationship for so long now i dont fully know what to expect. I just hope that everything i am doing so far is pleasing to him and he wants to continue improving me and moulding me to his requirements.

short but thoughtful blog

see you all soon

Good evening, morning, afternoon (delete as appropriate). Do you know what I hate most about a blog update? No… The title, I can NEVER decide what to use, I would like to be witty but I am just not, I would like to be funny, I’m not. Something relating to the post, well I don’t even know what I am going to say yet so basically I name at t he end. I suppose that’s like pregnancy, so many people have names planned then at the end of it all they change their minds and use something completely different. My sister did that, my niece was called Harriet all the way through pregnancy then the day she was born she became Ella. She finally used Harriet, well kind of by calling her second daughter Hattie.

So anyway, I spent some of Sunday with him again; we ironed out some of my issues about contact. I told him how I panic when I have little or none because of how my old Master went from me being his world to me being nothing more than a chore to him. We had a good time I am still being a little cheeky I think but when I am he soon puts me in my place. We played very lightly upstairs and then he decided we should have a break and we went down for a drink. I sat behind him massaging and rubbing his back. It felt so good to be doing something pleasing for someone who I feel my respect growing daily.

We discussed where we were going and how it was best for us to have a Dom/sub relationship and see what happens, this way no one is hurt and we both get to enjoy some of what we like. It was nice running over some of my old rules and him over his old slave/subs rules and seeing which we could fit into our relationship and which we couldn’t. Nothing at this stage is set in stone, except the dream email. I guess he will always confirm whether or not I can wear underwear or have freedom of speech each time we are meeting up.

He rang me up just now, letting me know he might not be able to get online later but that I am to go to bed around midnight. I guess he doesn’t like me staying up till 5am which I often do just because I can, or as it seems, I can’t anymore. I do like that kind of control though, it keeps me in check. Another thing we talked about was change of appearance, I can’t go blonde or he wont see me until it is back to brown, that doesn’t mean I cant dye it, it just means I have to stay dark. I am allowed red streaks though, as long as it does not affect my work, which I don’t think it would. When I get paid I might just do that for the fun of it, I have been thinking about it for AGES. I also can’t loose the length; he wants to be able to get a good handful!

I guess I am still a little giddy about something new and really looking forward to it moving somewhere.

Next task is to work on my blogging so that I have meaning and thought behind what I say to make people go oooooh ahhhh.

Na night

xxxxx

The title, Best of both worlds, is from the kids show hannah montana. This is how is how i view BDSM, like to all my friends i just have normal relationships, but really its totally different, hence, the best of both worlds!

So i met him tonight, and we had a GREAT time. He set a couple of rules before he arrived, no underwear, and i was only to speak when spoken to unless he allowed me freedom of speech. Both fine by me.

So i left work as late as possible as i didnt want to be at home and stressing over where he was when he would arrive and stupid things. So driving home, like one does,,i get stuck in traffic, OH MY GOD why did two busses get stuck in a tiny gap...mental i did get home with 15 mins to spare. GHDs on, run upstairs, tidy bedroos tidy bathroom, get changed, make sure i smell sweet etc. then i sat and chilled and did my hair.

When he got here is was in the car for AGGGGGEEEESSSS finally he came in and took a look about the house, he seemed to like it...woop. (sorry if im rambling in this post i am still hyper) So he directed me upstairs, ( i have no curtains downstairs so its better for privacy up there ) he stood me kinda in the middle and started pacing around me, as though inspecting, talking to me about how i was looking like a cheeky brat with the grin on my face, i was stood there for like an hour, he checked the fact i had no underwear and soon had me dripping wet. he moved me against the wall and made me even more wet and horny.

I don't know how to describe everything else, we played, nothing heavy but i came and he came, i was gutted when he had to go.

So we are making a go of it as Dom and sub and we are going to see what else falls into place with us i guess. Once we had made that decision i thought i should let him know about my journal, he says he is going to read and let me know if i can keep it up or not. Assuming he reads this i hope he sees how i feel it helps me to vent off my feelings by posting.

I will add more about what we got up to tomorrow ( if i can ) as i'm super tired right now and need to go to bed so i can be ontime (ish) to work in the morning.

love ya all

xxxxx

So, this weekend i have spent tonnes of time just in the house doing nothing. Yesterday i was supposed to be having my loft insulation done. In August i had a £600 gas bill, which is for my central heating, hot water, oven and hob. SIX HUNDRED POUNDS in one of the warmer quarters, i am sure it was wrong but what can i do apart from pay it. I found out i was entitled to a grant for the loft insulation so i went for it straight away its just a shame they didnt turn up. I plan to call the office which was convieniently closed all weekend and play hell with them as i had to wait in. In the mean time i have not had my heating on at all since april, which is why the bill was such a shock. When i thought they were going to do the work i needed and under imense amounts of pressure from family and friends to turn it on as they all believe the cold was effecting my health as i have had a chest infection since early september. So it went on on friday and yeah i have to admit i felt alot better. Tonight i am frustrated as i cooked tea in the kitchen and had the dryer on doing school uniform for my son and its lovly and warm in there but i was shivering in the front room. I checked the heating and its on, but because the thermostat is in the kitchen it thought it was at the right temperature so turned it all off elsewhere. So now i feel im wasting my time trying to heat it at a controlled temp because the rest of the house will never get as warm, and to get it as warm as i need it i have to have it on quite powerfully. So i guess i will be getting another HUGE bill next quarter...anyone know anything about central heating systems.

I hate writing about woe and worry but sometimes its all there is. I have been struggling finincially for ages, and working for my parents does not help as they are as well, so this last month i had to go to court to defend keeping my house from reposession...life is crap at times!

In other news, i started talking to a guy i met years ago and we discussed where things went wrong bewteen us and i think we may be trying to spend some more time talking and seeing where things go. He is a Dom and we seem to on reading from the same page on a number of things we discussed with regard to a Dom/sub dynamic. He asked me to email him each morning about my dreams, i dont know why as i have never studied my dreams and their meaning and to me they are a whole load of nonsense but he insisted so i wrote to him a load of nonsense about returning to school and standing in a protest against some religion dream that i had! No idea what it meant or what he thought as he has not appeared on msn yet. (yes i worry that he will diaspear like last time but i just hope he wont) There is definatly a connection if we can take it somewhere it will be even better.

I didnt get up til gone 2pm today, my son got up earlier but got back into bed with me and fell back to sleep til we both got up. We had a lazy lunch then walked to the local park. It was freezing but he didnt notice because he was too busy running around playing. I wrote to my local council complaining about the park when it opened. The play equipment is so poorly planned, its like they have decided teenagers will just "hang" around on it so its designed for them and not the children who actually want to play. The swing is a big one that parents must push as its impossible to get going along, i have tried and been unsucessful just to proove my point. The monkey bars are so high i cant even lift him high enough to help him do them never mind him learn himself. The ladder to the slide is verticle so i get scared that he will hurt himself just trying to get up to the slide. The other two bits are mountain climbing type wall things that he is too young for anyway. It frustrates me everytime i am there with him, because he just cant play without assistance and he is at an age where i think she should be able to. The reply from the council was that they are getting more funding for younger children, but everything in local press only indicates that they are adding more teenager items in other areas of the small park. Maybe when he is a teenager if the park is not vandalised too much he will be able to enjoy it.

I have a day off work tomorrow and i hope to maybe go for a walk somewhere with him before he is back at school on tuesday. Will let you all know if there are any delelopments with Mr i mentioned before..take care

ang

xxxxx

Hey again all

Wow i did have a shock when i actually had responses to my last post, i guess i thought after such a long time with no posts people would not be that bothered by what i had to say. On a different side to that statement i can see the negativity (is that a word?) and i know i need to look on the bright side of things.

So again i have been deep in thought about things and how i can move onwards and upwards... i guess i feel like i need to have someone in cntrol of my life. like without someone else taking what i call the upperhand in my life. I try to set rules for myself but i can never stick to them because they are for me and no one else , i would much prefer they being for someone else, to be pleasing for him, to do little things each day for him. People who have read my journal in the past will know i am a complete nightmare when it comes to normal household tasks, washing tidying things likt that. Now i have mastered the whole keep the house tidy part of my life. I am not great and my friends all think i am ill when it is overly tidy but i know i feel proud of how i have got on top of it. I thought i was doing it for him, but no, i did it for me because he was never there for me.

I try to swim everyweek. When i was his slave i would have to write a report about what i did and how i felt doing it. This was to give my swimming another purpose than just formyself. I did enjoy it and i liked having to write about what i did in a way, a non fantaticle swimming could understand. Now when i swim i kind of just mess about, i dont do proper structured lengths again because i am only doing it for me and not to please someone else. Why am i like this?

On another note, i did swim across lake windemere in the great north swim early in september and i managed to train well for that, maybe it was because i did it with three other friends and we were all training together.

Since i told him how i feel i have not spoken to him, i have a feeling he has blocked me on msn. I feel a bit angry about this because i wanted him to fight for me, but in another way its just total proof that he just didnt care about me at all.

I have been getting very excited about blogging because i really feel it can help me release some of the pent up frustration and upset i have going on in my life. Its like talking about the problems without having to actually tell someone and sit through the " we told you so" or "he is a wanker forget him" yeah i know both of those may be true but from my close friends its not what i want to hear, i want kind words and sisterly advise, not ang, your an idiot as usual.

So this weekend we have having a family bonfire for my dads 60th party, he doesnt really want a fuss, but with him having 7 kids, (i'm in the middle) he doesnt really have a choise and we are going to spoil him. Then on sunday i think me and him are going sailing. we have a Merlin Rocket dinghy its great fun but i fear a little cold at the moment so it will be a chore to get me out of bed and down to the club house on the river but once i am on the water i am sure i will have a great time.

Well i dont think this post is making that much sense but its a good old vent as to how i feel. i will love you and leave you all.

xxxxx

ang

I have not posted for quite a long time as i have had so much stuff going on i decided i couldnt give the journal the time it needed to be of any interest to anyone but now i am ready to move on and i am planning on writing on a regular basis so fingers crossed that it works this time.

A little update on me.

I am 25, i have a 5 nearly 6 year old and i have been an owned slave. Three and a bit years ago i spilt with my sons dad because he was...well an idiot! i was working a full and a part time job and he wanted me to work a third job. That was the final straw, i told him to get out. Now years down the line after various court battles we have almost settled the child care aspect...i have him and when he can he does! not the best arrangement but i have the upper hand as i have my son most of the time. No, he does not pay me child maintenance.

I met my Master online, on a forum. We chatted on msn and at the time he didnt tell me of his experience within the BDSM lifestyle, he said when i did find out that he wanted to be sure it was something i was truly interested in before he showed me what he could do. He trained me well in the way of ettiquitte within the lifestyle and how to be a great slave with manners and actions to match. Life was good. Although we had a long distance relationship we saw each other as often as possible and spoke for hours on the phone.

One day something changed, he said it was the way his work was re structured and his time became somewhat limited - i have spoken about this before on this journal i am aure. I sucked it up and continues to dote upon him. One day i decided i couldnt be his slave and told him that so we tried to continue in a normal vanilla relationship with a view of when i was in a better place going back to the life we both knew and loved. It never fully happened, i would go weeks being perfect like he taught me, then one little slip up would undo it all, at first i thought he was right and i messed up so i should loose what i wanted and i would start again. Looking back now, the slip ups were so minor they could have been correctd with a lecture or a small punishment.

Our time together was worse than ever, i have not seen him since june 2007. He was always working and on the phone to people from work so i could never talk to him, he would take 15 minutes to reply to messages on msn and even then they became one word answers.

I cannot pin point when it happened but i started not believing him, he would be very defensive if i even inclined that i thought he was lying. I did some things i should not have done, i made a profile on collarme, and started chatting to a few people, non of them matched him and i soon tired of being something i felt i was no longer, the slave he taught me to be.

I decided to do a search for his profile name, he was there, my heart hit the deck, i looked over his profile, no mention of me at all, no surprise there, he had a friend a female linked to his profile so i looked over her profile as well, there was nothing to indicate how they knew each other, i decided that both of us dishonestly having a CM profile needed to be addressed so i asked him about it. He said i was the one in the wrong for snooping about when i was he one with an active profile looking for someone when his was meerly looking for friends and people in the lifestyle...yeah i guess he is right..is he?

But...because i had looked on that girls profile she then messaged me just politly saying she liked my prof etc. we started chatting and my world crumbled. it turns out all the time when he was on the phone " working" he was actually talking to her, he had told her he used to have a slave by my name but i was into things he was not into. i was gutted. all hell broke loose, he said she was lying, i assume he told her i was lying as well. he said as i could no longer trust him how could we have anything together. i do not think i was wrong but maybe i am i do not know. he told me to stop snooping but i couldnt. i found another profile on a different website of him. saying he was the " proud owner of....." her profile matched but said "owned by......" I once again questioned him on this and he said it was for her protection from others. but i know that cant be true because of posts she had made that i could read which made it perfectly clear that he was still with her. He still denys it.

I thought i could get over it all and show him i am what he wanted...but now i don't i think he has weaved such a huge web of lies that i will never trust him ever again so i am moving on. i told him i wanted to just be friends and he agreed saying if thats what i wanted he would respect that. i wanted him to fight for me but he said doing that is not fair on me or my thoughts, even though i was asking him to! again i think this shows he does not want me and its easier for him to cope with his other two slaves without the annoying one who doesnt trust him.

so this is where i am at, i am sure i will explain more and tell you more of how i know he is a lying to me. I am planning on using LJ to move on and find myself again, alot of what i read i find inspirational so if other people can do it so can i.

love to you all

ang

I said I would not contact you whilst you are away so that I had the time to gather my thoughts about where you and me and going, have been, and what lies ahead for us. I couldn’t do it. I caved and rang you, speaking to you for a split second felt amazing, like you actually cared that I had rung and that you were glad I had done. Then the penny dropped, you said what you always say “I’ve got to go” I should have known you didn’t actually want to talk. Or that you were too busy but the joy of talking overcame me when I shouldn’t have let it. “I’ll call you tomorrow, probably when I get up my time” came your next statement and again I had a job within knowing you probably were just busy at that moment as I could hear things in the background. The next day, the phone beeped and I prayed it would be you, but no of course it wasn’t time difference would say you would be asleep at that time. I laugh it off to myself and wait for the time to become more realistic for you to phone me. Sitting on the beach watching Dad sail, my phone on loud, worry spreading through me that I would lose signal and you not be able to get through was filling me with dread. Phone calls came from all over but not one was you, a few texts and missed calls again non were you. Home later and it had to be lunchtime for you soon, surely you would think of me. No, nothing zip nadda. So the evening passed I was with family and friends but felt lonelier than ever. My head not understanding why you stopped caring so much and when it happened. My thoughts compounded by what I found the night before, virtual diary entries from you to me when I was away for new year with my parents. Tales of heart break and the joy you felt when I rang you as often as possible. How you almost could not do anything until I was back. Why did it change? What did I do? Back then I fully believed you loved me, this now, is not love it’s not anywhere near. You say work got busy and changed your free time and ability to be there for me. That I also believe. The fact you say your love for me has never faltered, that I can’t believe you should read what I read and tell me with your hand on heart that you still feel that way and explain the differences because to me the chasm is too wide between then and now. If we can get that back I will understand the pain I am putting myself though and see it is a worthy cause. For now though, I am going to do as I promised myself and not contact you until you contact me. I have exams to focus on I have already messed up my best subject so I have a mountain to climb to gain what I know I deserve. Alone. You taught me ITALY. I have always said DTA!

Written from the bottom of my heart, with no malice just truths of how I feel and how you through reasons unbeknown to me have made me feel.

I am over the moon, i got 3 distinctions. 97% in one, 91% in another and the lowest but hardest exam 85%. i did not do any revision, so for my real exams with the hard work i plan to put in over the next few weeks i am aiming for straight distinctions of a high standard. In a way i can't wait until i have finished college because i sometimes just cant be bothered going or doing the work for it. and in fact i dont do the work, i just somehow get through. That is definatly going to change now in the run up to the exams. i want to be the best.

so this week i feel really lazy like i have done no housework, i have but it still looks like a tip. i think the warm weather we have been having have been a drain on my energy. well thats what i am telling myself anyway haha.

my ex likes to prevent me from doing anything for myself. he knows i have started playing basketball once a week on a thursday so this week he can't collect our son from school because he "has no car" im sure i will manage to sort it but it is still so frustrating that i find something to do for myself at a time when i don't usually have my son and he imediatly plays the im going to stop her card. i dont like asking my family to babysit, i heard down the grapevine in june last year that my sister blamed my son for her failing her exams. yes i was living in my parents house where she lives, yes i was working three nights a week, yes she was totally amazing looking after my son for me, but how did she fail because of him. i went to work 10 mins after she got in from work. she made his tea and he was in bed for 7pm. he never gets out of bed after that. she then went to watch roughly an hour or more of soaps. helped my dad cook their tea. played on the internet then did work. in my opinion if she cut the soaps and still failed they yes, maybe it was mine and my sons fault. lets see what happens this year she doesnt have an excuse this time. so because of that i really hate asking them to sit for me incase the world ends and its all my fault.

so there we have it my amazing week so far lets hope it just keeps getting better.

One thing i would do anything for at the moment, is the ability to pay all my bills and still have some spare to have a social life or even go on a holiday with my son. Don't get me wrong we dont go short, my dad has paid for three holidays for my and my son since he was born but i know my friends think im a scrounger from my dad and that i should be, at nearly 25 years old, standing on my own two feet.

My dad supports me alot, but what he does at the same time is leave things right until the last minute to pay, i nearly had my house reposessed a few weeks ago, and the week after that i had bailiffs knocking on the door to take my property to pay for my council tax bill. This week my gas is going to be cut off. i dont like my dad to feel im pressurising him into paying my bills but when he says he will support me through college and i work for him (unpaid) i think he could at least give me the ability to pay my bills on time. Maybe i expect too much in this, im not sure because i do not know anyone in my situation to base a standard upon.

this time next year i would love to be standing on my own two feet, i dont expect the holiday ability to come imediatly but living for myself has to or else im never going to move on with my life.

i am an avid liverpool supporter, football that is, and today we lost in the champions league semi final, i feel like a part of me has been ripped out. im sure tomorrow i will be looking forward to next season but at the moment i cant even force a smile on my face. we were teetering on the edge of loosing in the quarter final, that was the same time as i was loosing my house, i really thought i was loosing everything, like without football what do i have, then He reminded me i have my son. he is right i do have my son but sometimes i feel im loosing him to his dad as well i can imagine when he is old enough to choose that he will choose his dad but i have to just keep trying to show him what i can provide.

oooh it feels like this is all doom and gloom, sorry. im pretty excited in a small part of me as i have been invited to play basketball with some girls i used to play with and we are looking at making a town team which would be totally fantastic it should help me get fit but i do not know how well my knee will hold out. it is definatly worth giving it a try though.

well i will leave you all
take care
LFC YNWA

I have had a pretty good day today. Unfortunatly it was raining when it was time to take my son to school, so we went in the car i would have loved to walk but no way was i getting drenched wet through walking to school.

I went straight to college and got breakfast for me there so i would make it though the exam without feeling starving. The exam was 2 hours 30 mins with 10 mins reading time. Reading though in the first 10 mins felt like forever as no notes are allowed to be made, literally all you can do is read, and with short questions it was not much to read at all.

Each question was phrased in a way that you must name a certain number of aspects like 5 ways in which this changes that or two things that doing that will benefit the business. I thought carfully diring my reading time and read the front of the paper, no where did it say that this had to be in sentences. I used this to my advantage. I went though the paper and for each question i put the correct number of points down each on a new line and ... on a new line if i didnt know enough so if the question asked for 5 points i would have as many as possible or a clear way of seeing how many more i needed to think of. This way within 30mins of the exam starting every question had some form of an answer, then i went back to the beginning and made it into sentences so it looked proper and expanded on my rough answers, this way even if i hadnt finished all questions had some sort of an answer hopefully increasing my chances of marks if i didnt get to the end. I think i will have definatly passed which is good but i might not yet so fingers crossed.

I did walk to school to get my son afterwards though. i half wish i had not though as i was in agony when i got there, i hurt my knee sailing a few weeks ago and as i was walking quickly it made the pain even worse. i didnt know if i would actually be able to get home, my son was in a go slow mood so i did manage in the end. im really going to have to go back to the docs but i feel stupid as most of the time it doesnt hurt most of the time and i dont know how to explain the pain.

Thats about all i have done today, apart from some food shopping mainly for my son as i cant eat loads of what i bought due to my wheat allergy but at least i can feed him for a good few weeks and i will get by somehow, i need to loose weight anyway.

well thats all for tonight

xxxxx

Sometimes i feel really inspired to write on here but others im just not sure. Im not supposed to talk about my relationship on here because he asked me not to, he belives its private for us and not for the world. i broke that yesterday but i think i have everyright to now, its my life more than his, if he takes control again than i will do as im told on that front until then, even if i dont get replys writing on here is like talking my problems out with someone.

i have tried writing emails to him everyday to make up for not blogging but he doesnt reply and doesnt even discuss the content on the phone to me which is really hurtful because i always try to put alot of thought into what i write and to have it snubbed like that realy hurts...ho hum what can i say?..."yes sir", that usually works.

in other news...

im really trying to loose some weight and get my fitness better. so this morning i went for a swim whilst my son was in his swimming lesson, i think i did about 30 lengths and stayed in playing with my son afterwards so that must be a little good really. isnt it? If the weater is fine in the morning i think im going to walk him to school, it will be a slow trudge with him dragging his feet but i can speed walk back so i can get in my car and off to college for 9.30. i would walk to college as well but i know i have no chance of getting there on time.

i have an exam in the morning, its just a trial one, ready for the real ones in 6 weeks, and im going at it with a bit of a strange attitude, im not revising at all, im going to see how well i do just off my head, so far at college i have always got distinctions, so i know that is what i want in the end but i want to see if i can really do it without cramming, i will cram from after the exam onwards to the real exams, i have a timetable i plan to use, my mum would be disapointed at me if i dont get a distinction and i might not be allowed to do next year if i dont, and doing next year is very important to me as it puts me in a position to go onto a degree which would be fantastic for me to go on to eventually. Tomorrows test will show me how close to actually knowing the stuff we have been learning all year and being able to use it.

Im just watchign the news and i really do not understand peoples way of panic buying, ok fine an oil plant is striking for 48 hours but there is no reason to panic buy all the fuel is there, it just makes it harder on the rest of us, because the prices hike up and then i cant afford to even run my car i hardly have money to fuel my car as it is never mind pay extra for it as well.

well thats all for now, im going to go and try to ring him and hopefully not have my head bitten off

take care

xxxxx

Is it possible to be submissive without a Dom, or a slave without a Master?

Since my relationship with my Master is still hanging in the balance i have been trying to perfect myself for him, i have been trying to show him how good a slave i can be. Silly little things like never letting my house get a mess, this has always been an issue with me, i think that since having my son i never really got over post natal depression and now i’m alone a single mum trying to bring him up right, attend college to better myself and work to pay the bills, my house work really does become second in line to what i need and want to do. i know this use to irritate Master because he was also a single parent and managed himself. Admittedly my house is not show home perfect, it’s far from that, i don't suppose it’s even a "lived" in look but what it is, is mine, it’s the best i can do at the moment and i try to do it even better all the time. I do hope that when i talk to him and i mention things like that that he sees what i am trying to do. i'm my mine what i am trying to do is show him i really can be what he wanted.

I try to be patient with him when he is saying he may get the time to see me next week and then when next week arrives its always i might be able to be there next week, 11 months down the line and it is still like that. i am at a loss as to what to do. like i said i try hard to keep the control measures in place which he gave me, from the house work as i said above, to finishing all my college work and eating properly. All this though is far from being controlled and that’s what i offer, total control of me to the person who can and wants to do it. I suppose the wants to do it is also a vital element, and the question, is it worth it comes to mine.

Does he REALLY want me still?

He says he does and that i am everything he wants even when i’m shouting and screaming upset and angry and telling him i hate him, deep down although i say it i don’t, i hate the way he makes me feel so un wanted, needed and loved, why should anyone have to feel that way? i don’t think i have done anything to make him not want, need or love me anymore have i? or have i , yes i told him i hate him, i told him i was not good enough to be his slave so he agreed with me and ended our Master/slave relationship, that was what i asked for wasn’t it!

So in the mean time i’m trying to control myself and no it’s not easy at all, i can hardly control my five year old who seems to have a total lack of respect for me, my house, his toys, my cooking, cleaning etc, is that normal for a 5yr old, do all mothers feel so un wanted by them. my son, who shouts at me when I ask him to tidy his room, raises his fists at me if he does not like what i said.

So whilst home life is like that i really do look to the control i crave from elsewhere to keep me level headed and myself personally , no i can’t be submissive to myself and my own mind i don’t know why not, it’s like i’m kidding myself to believe i am doing it for Him, i love him dearly but i can't carry on doing everything myself in the pretence of doing it for him, when i only speak to him for an hour if i’m lucky in the very late evening, when we are both over tired i am cross at him for being so late talking to me and he is angry at me being so unappreciative of his efforts to actually speak to me. This then turns into me snapping and jabbing at him for not being here with me and for working again, really is it possible for someone to make the choice to work every day for 11 months, i personally don't think so, i think it’s a choice to not see me not a choice to work. Again this is a selfish view but one i cannot help but think. Very un submissive of me yes... am i wrong?

What does being submissive mean to you ?

answers on a postcard...or a reply comment

x
x
x
x
x

i think i have lost the lifestyle completly. i dont see from where i am now how i will ever regain the trust and respect one needs to be a sub/slave. the last 12 months i have changed i accept i have changed but i do not know where or what i changed and how it happened.

using the age old saying, "never say never", i will never say never again to the lifestyle and if i can focus my mind to where it should be i guess one day i may become what i loved being again but until that time its not me not me at all at the moment.

whether its because of distance and lonliness i dont know but i know im far far more independant now than i was 12 months ago. i also know i needed to be more independant, i need to be me for me, not me for somebody else.

i hate feeling like the lifestyle has gone but i know its for the best i dont have any trust or respect for people at the moment, no thats not true, i do have trust and respect for many people just not in the way i need to have it to be honourable as i should be. i hope against all hope im wrong and that i do have it somewhere in me but until that time i know i dont have it at the moment and i miss it in some ways but in others, i know i need to be me for a while.

xxxxx

In my life, all 24yrs and 21days of it I can name every boyfriend I have had,

Tim (6 weeks)
Chris (6weeks)
Peter (4 days)
Antony (6 weeks)
Danny (2 days)
Matt (lost virginity to him,)
Simon (long distance, only met once)
Carl (I broke his heart)
Tom (1 week)
Antony (again) (3 and half yrs)
ray (2 years)

and a few little kisses in-between, you know out clubbing, or when friends are with each other and you and someone else are like gooseberries and they kind of force you together to stop them feeling guilty for only coming up for air every 15 mins.

so from that list let’s be honest, we can take out anything below a week so the list turns into:-

Tim
Chris
Antony
matt
Carl
Antony
Ray

now starting at the beginning, Tim, I was only about 13 then, all of a sudden this idiot guy called Trevor came onto the scene and he was taking the piss out of Tim for going out with me, and it ended shortly after that. Chris, we got together in a really odd way and spent the summer together, no school, just summer fun, he finished with me just before we went back to school; I guess I was too embarrassing to actually go out with when the whole school could see. antonym that was fine we split up over stupid thing because he couldn’t be bothered to come to my house one night when I was not allowed out, I should have taken not of this later in life.

Matt, where to start with matt? we were friends when we were about 13, and we had a silly fall out, when we were in our final yr at school we started talking again about exams and stuff and decided to study together as we lived quite close, things moved to kissing and we eventually had sex, it was unprotected, I remember halfway through saying, "don’t cum" he said "yeah as if I would do that", lol how romantic.
Again this was no real relationship, he was in the cool crew at school, on the football team, popular, I was a geek, I recon because I was too shy when I joined the school in 3rd yr I was good at sports and basketball and swimming captain, but popularity for girls didn’t go off sporting achievements as it did for guys. Matt said he didn’t want anyone at school finding out so basically I was his sex partner and kind of like best friends, we drifted apart and I wish we hadn’t.

the running theme of this is the guys didn’t want other people to know they liked me so I always got hurt. I did get back with antonym and we had a kid together but eventually split for the same reason as I split with Carl, they wouldn’t work to help pay their way, it all rested on me.

I thought ray was different, he is in the fact he doesn’t come to me for money, but now it seems like, as with the others, he doesn’t care enough and doesn’t want anyone to know about me.

will this ever end; will I ever actually have someone who wants me for me and not money or sex? I often cry myself to sleep at night through pure loneliness, I know i'm not the prettiest girl, but when my face is glowing and my eyes are shining, which I know they can do, am I really that bad? yes I need to loose some weight, I am trying, but on a limited budget I tend to buy basic foods and they all seem full of carbs, all the diets I have tried have always cost me double in my weekly shopping bills, as a single mum I worry about over spending on what I call luxury foods.

at the moment all I want in my life is to be happy, for my amazing son to be happy, I believe he is, I can hear him now as I type eating a banana saying "oh yeah sports candy i’m going to have so much energy" he is an amazing child, why his dad couldn’t be bothered to work to help provide for him I will never understand, and why his dad only has him when I ask him to have him yet rows with me daily about wanting him more again I will never understand.

I am a loving person, I do care, I just want someone to see that in me and accept me for who I am.

Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to angela
Happy birthday to me

so i know He likes less hair down there and we once had me tied to the bed and he shaved it all off, it was great feeling so helpless and knowing my "cover" was going and i would be open and bare to Him.
We soon met a snag, it irritated me like crazy, all the teeny tiny hairs right on the lips wond me up so i couldnt lie still to sleep or anthing, in the end i think i got toilet tissue and folded it between so it was not allowing the hairs to touch the other side.I eventually settled and he spent hours during the night touching me and revelling in the fact that even when asleep i roll over to my back and open my legs in pure pleasure.

So i tried to shave again and yes i have the same problem but im dealing with it to see if its just first few days irritation. This got me thinking though, how do other people shave down there. Ive always been a bit of a tom boy as a kid and wasnt into all the girly mags which in a way teach you all about these things so i think i missed out somewhat, maybe i didnt maybe those mags said nothing about that kind of thing but i still dont know. I have googled it on many occasions and i know i cant find anything of any substance there, so i turn to my LJ community and ask.

How do you girls remove your hair down there for your loved ones, owners, Masters, Mistresses, whomever takes pleasure in your bits. Please help me out here because its driving me mental not knowing what to do.

xxxxx

i wake with a start,
hands grope around the bed
wanting the tube of life
the cool plastic presses on my palm as i find it
i lay back and relax

pressing short and sharp on the piston pump
so the gas oozes in
gasping for breath with another quick pump
clutching the barrel and sleeping fitfully once again
flat on my back the drug working its magic
bliss, but for a short while

once again waking, struggling fighting the urge
the plastic tube still clutched tight
lifting it once again and inserting the barrel
breathing deeply ready for it,
count to ten then breath i softly
the gas from the inhaler helping me breath once again

i cant help but feel i'm living in a fantasy world, even though Master is no longer Master i will still call him so as contrary to popular belief i do still respect him as My Master.

In the build up to our relationship he would tell me of times he has played in the BDSM lifestyle and with his slaves and subs whom he owned.

He was a regular member of a local group, who had a well eqiuiped dungeon and a well layed out set of safety rules and regulations. From what Master has said to me he was a vital part of this group, a group leader for want of a better description. Master always said he would let me see a group in action but needed to teach me some more things first. Time has gone by and rather than teaching me anything new the lifestyle we both love has become a source of arguments.

Something i ready in subtle_times journal made me realise something. She mentioned how when she first got with her Master, it was the over the phone follow orders type of control. I have come to realise my life has never been anything other than that, except when i have spent a weekend with Master and in the two years we have been together i dont even thing we have seen each other 20 times which on the whole is really bad.

I really am living in a fantasy, Maser now says he couldnt take me to a group with the attitude i have these days, but even when he had no complains about my attitude he wouldnt take me. What do i do so wrong to make him not just be totally upfront with me, or is it the distance which stops him from doing what he wants.

Other people have been doing alot of talking about collars, this is something that we always talked about but never got. he said he would get me an anklet to show my slavery, he said this two years ago nearly, but he never did, i long ago gave up on ever getting one. Yes i would love a mark of my slavery, but i dont think he wants me forever so wont do this for me.

When Master was teaching me about the lifestyle he always discussed having a journal, he even "ordered" me one from a special shop he knows of, but then when he went to get it he said the quality was poor and he refused to have that as my journal, that was about 12 months ago, again i do not have a journal, i started this journal on here as i felt i needed to have one for my own piece of mind. Master does read my journal here and i know he read it recently, when i first started out i was nagging him to read it everytime i posted, but these days i have lost the will for him to see what i am saying, everythign i write here i say to him and we dont discuss it so i dont see any reason to show him i made it public when he knows how i feel.

I recently said to Master i feel he is avoiding talking to me, its like as soon as i get on the phone he quickly mentiones something that will effect us talking, like on friday he said he was in the garden relaxing i thought that was lovley, and mentioned something about my ice skating lesson, he intterupted me and said there was a big black cloud coming, typical english weather i though, then about 60 seconds later it was spitting, and he had to go as his table and chair couldnt get wet, i understoon the cushions on the chair, but i didnt comprehend why he had to get the table in. Maybe im just being a bitch but i knew when he mentioned the cloud that he would say he had to go. It just seems everytime i try to talk to him, he has something else more important to do. His phone was even engaged when he should have been at the hospital, possibly his daughter on the line but i was still being a bitch and unsure about it.

I love him so much, i dont know if the love is returned anymore and want to know so i can either live a life with or without him and stop this fantasy that he loves me and we will spend the rest of our lives together.

On another note, he said he will come up this week, probably tuesday to wednesday, we will see!!!

im lying on my bed right now wishing someone would whisper in my ear r things he would want to do to me, stroking a firm hand all over my body but never actually touching me when my body is screaming for that caress,

do you ever just wish you could have those dirty words spoken or typed to you over the net just to get the juices flowing and the dreams comeing as you fall to sleep?

i do and i want it so badly right now.

xxx